What I Meant To Say Was
by karjens44
Summary: There's a time and a place for honesty and this wasn't it….


What I Meant to Say Was….

Fandom: Once Upon A Time

Pairing: Emma/Regina.. Swan Queen

Rating PG/T (one or two swear words and kissy stuff).

Disclaimer: All characters (as written for OUAT) belong to ABC/Disney et al. I'm just borrowing them for entertainment with no intent to profit.

_**A/N. This is un-beta'd so all mistakes are mine and my muse wrote the story and I was just there to type it so if it's kind of weird and confusing….it's her fault heh. Also, this turned out a tad more angsty than I'd planned, but it's only a temporary angst really. **_

Summary There's a time and a place for honesty and this wasn't it….

"So wrong," Emma murmured as she nuzzled into the Mayor's neck, savoring the taste and scent of the brunette's soft skin. "This is wrong on so many levels," she moved to nibble on Regina's ear, thrilling at the nearly continual purr coming from the habitually hostile woman. "I've tried so hard not to care about you, but God, you're so damned beautiful, I just can't help it." She whispered heatedly before trailing her lips along a suddenly stiff jaw.

"What was that?" Regina said quietly. Too quietly for Emma's still dazed mind to process. It was the same dangerously emotionless tone that always told Emma the Mayor was about to turn vicious.

Lifting her head, she looked down at Regina, briefly diverted by the Mayor's disheveled appearance and magnificently kiss-swollen lips. She shivered as she realized very few people had or would ever see the rigid and obsessively composed woman this way. She was unable to keep from reaching out to stroke a soft cheek, surprised when Regina pulled her head away.

"What's wrong?" Emma said, her desire had muted somewhat due to the distraction but was far from gone. She wanted to get back to the kissing.

"I asked what you just said to me," Regina replied slowly. Dark eyes flashing in a warning Emma was still too turned on to notice.

"I just was saying that I…um…care about you," Emma finally admitted, feeling her face heat in embarrassment, hoping she wasn't going to be mocked for exposing her weakness.

"I see. And the idea of caring for me upsets you," Regina asked almost conversationally..

Emma frowned and pulled away though remaining practically in the Mayor's lap, wondering what the stubborn woman was on about now. "Of course it does," Emma said honestly. "Jesus Regina, the things you've done to my…to Mary Margaret and David…to Graham and everyone , not to mention the way you take every opportunity to insult everything about me…all of that tells me I shouldn't be here with you like this. Hell, I shouldn't even want to, but I do, more than I can ever remember wanting to be with anyone," she said earnestly, hoping to explain her initial reluctance. "I can't forget what you've done but my heart…my body doesn't care. I do want you Regina and I'm tired of fighting it."

It took two heartbeats before Emma found herself unceremoniously shoved away from the woman she'd so recently been kissing fervently.

"What the fuck Regina?" she said with no small amount of confusion. The night had been going so well. Henry was with Mary Margaret and David and Regina had invited her over for a quiet dinner hoping to discuss their fledgling truce and how things were going to proceed now that the curse was broken.

It had been a rare insult free evening , mostly, and after dinner they had moved from the dining room to the living room where Regina had poured them both some wine before sitting surprisingly close to her on the sofa. Emma nearly fainted when Regina had suddenly looked at her with a startlingly hot gaze, which was like none other she'd ever received and before she could blink, they were kissing furiously. It took a half a breath before Regina fell back on the sofa, pulling Emma on top of her. Hands wandered wildly and all that could be heard in the cavernous room were low throaty moans and excited panting breaths. Emma blissfully surrendered to the power and sensuality that clung to the woman beneath her like a second skin and she was unable to withhold her feelings any longer . She was trying to be honest and hadn't expected to be cruelly pushed away.

"How noble you are my dear," Regina retorted sarcastically, getting to her feet and straightening her blouse. " I suppose I should be weeping in gratitude that you would lower yourself and your impeccable standards to be with me."

Emma saw the predictable sneer on Regina's face and jumped to her own feet prepared to fight anger with anger when she suddenly she looked into eyes that had always said more than the woman's expression . Instead of the usual disdain and anger, she saw a glimmer of tears and what to Emma looked remarkably like hurt. She thought about what she'd said and then groaned in shame. God. She might as well have just stabbed Regina in the heart, it probably would have been kinder.

"Damnit," she exhaled in regret. "Regina, I swear I didn't mean it like it sounded," she said urgently, reaching out for the woman whose grasp on anything close to resembling tender emotion, was tenuous at best.

"I'm really not sure how telling someone that the thought of being with them is unpleasant could possibly be misinterpreted," Regina said, ice dripping from every syllable.

"You missed the part where I said I care about you," Emma argued, reaching for the brunette only to have her hand slapped away.

"You care but you don't want to," Regina scoffed mockingly, "far be it from me to force you into doing something so obviously distasteful to you. I suppose I should be grateful you didn't accuse me of casting a spell."

Emma felt sick realizing that she couldn't have said anything more designed to hurt the already distrustful woman had she been trying. "I would never…you've got it all wrong," she pleaded, cursing her inability to articulate her feelings worth a damn.

"No Ms. Swan, I don't believe I do. Now please leave."

"Regina, please I…"

"I said get out."

She never raised her voice or even changed her facial features but Emma knew she'd just gotten her first glimpse of the infamous Evil Queen.

Not bothering to tuck her shirt back in, Emma sighed and prepared to leave. As she got to the door, she turned and looked at Regina, true regret on her face.

"I never meant to hurt you Regina…. I don't know when or how it happened, but I do want to be with you," she said again, knowing she'd blown her chance at something she hadn't realized she wanted. Regina Mills didn't know the meaning of the word forgiveness and only now did Emma fully understand the gravity of her mistake.

"Well knowing your background, I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of disappointment," Regina said snidely, turning her back to Emma and heading to the small bar, refusing to notice how her hands shook as she poured a glass of scotch.

Emma ignored the pointed insult, which before now would have hurt her with the sharp reminder of her less than ideal childhood, but all she heard was barely suppressed emotion in Regina's voice and she became angry at herself, at the impossibly frustrating situation, at the desire that still thrummed inside of her and especially at Regina herself. Even knowing the formidable sorceress could easily turn her into a turnip with a twitch of her finger, Emma stormed back toward the one person on the planet who had managed to plow through her defenses and aggravated her like no other, grabbed her arm and spun her around.

"I thought I said to…"

"I know what you said," Emma interrupted angrily, "but I'm not finished yet."

Regina stiffened, not about to be dictated to by a woman who'd just admitted it was painful to be with her. "How dare you?" she hissed. She tried to yank her arm back, but Emma's grip only tightened. She knew that just a flick of her wrist would have her rid of Emma Swan once and for all, but to her dismay, she simply couldn't bring herself to do it. "Fine, say what you need to and go."

"Thank you," Emma replied with more sarcasm than she intended. She released her hold on the angry former Mayor but didn't move away and ran a frustrated hand through her hair as she took a moment to actually plan her words this time.

"I'm sorry that what I said hurt you," she said slowly, "but Regina… I can't help that I have these doubts." She saw Regina about to speak and held up a hand to cut her off. She would have her say. "Look, forget this whole curse thing. Forget what you had to do to enact it. I figure that's between you, the people of Storybrooke and your conscious."

"How benevolent of you, Sheriff Swan," Regina drawled sarcastically causing Emma to grit her teeth but she continued.

"My issues stem from what you've done since I've arrived here. I want you to look at me and remember every time you've purposely tracked me down just to insult me. I want you to think of every single hurtful word you've thrown at me, not to mention all you've done to keep me away from Henry, including assault and poison," she emphasized coldly, "and tell me you can't understand why I fought this."

To Regina's extreme irritation, she found she couldn't. She'd seen the kicked puppy expression in Emma's face after each malicious insult and she had thrilled in it at the time but she was tormented by the fact that her last desperate act to get rid of Emma nearly killed the son she'd been fighting so desperately to keep. "You're right," she finally acknowledged quietly and with less hostility than she would normally use on anyone who questioned her. "I do understand. You once told me to ask myself why people run from me and it's not really difficult to find the answer," she said more calmly than her words warranted. "That's why it's best we forget any of tonight ever happened."

Emma just barely kept from pulling her hair out. This woman was going to be the death of her one way or another. "Oh for God's sake," she muttered even as she grabbed Regina and pulled her close, covering the brunette's lips with hers, silencing any other protests, insults or anything else the Mayor was considering.

Only after Regina relaxed into the kiss and began to respond did Emma slowly pull away. "For an extremely intelligent woman you can be pretty thick headed sometimes,"' she said breathlessly. "I don't want to forget tonight. You make me absolutely crazy and you say things to hurt me more often than I'd ever allow anyone else to do, but you also make me feel more than I've ever felt before and I can't ignore that."

"Maybe you should," Regina said stiffly. "You know who I am, what I've done and what I'm still fully capable of doing. I have no intention of apologizing for it and I can't…I won't go back to how I was before…" she swallowed, after all this time she couldn't bear to think of the moment that destroyed her.

"Before Daniel," Emma finished quietly.

"How do you know about…Snow, of course," Regina said with irritation. "No matter what persona she's living under, she just can't seem to stop sticking her nose where it doesn't belong."

Emma's temper flared, not about to let Regina continue her attacks on her friend…mother…no, friend. It was just too weird to think of Mary Margaret as her mother. "I'm not getting into a debate with you about Mary Marg…Snow White. And the truth is she didn't tell me a lot. Just enough so I could understand why all of this happened and why she and David sent me away."

Regina exhaled and her shoulders relaxed. "I imagine she made herself out to be the poor victim, manipulated into betraying me," she said stiffly, taking another long sip of her scotch.

"No, she told me that she was responsible for the death of the man you loved," Emma said, trying not to get angry at the other woman's continued hatred of the person who'd been nothing but kind to Emma.

"Well, I'm glad she can finally admit it," Regina said, her sarcasm lessened by surprise at Snow's admission.

"Look Regina, I don't want to talk about her and I'm not going push you to talk to me about Daniel, though I hope one day you will tell me."

"Well then, that just leaves us with talking about the weather, doesn't it?" Regina replied carelessly.

"Oh my God, would you stop," Emma, torn between laughing at the irritating woman's sarcastic wit or shaking some sense into her. Finally, she just moved closer to her nemesis and though knowing she was risking her neck, she cautiously took the empty glass from Regina's hand and put it back on the bar counter.

"I want you to listen to me…Madame Mayor," she drawled, fully capable of being just as formal and stilted as the other woman. "I am trying to tell you that even though I don't know everything about your past, I do know that I wouldn't ask you to change even if you were willing and able to do so," Emma lifted her hand and placed it on Regina's cheek. "I also know we are going to continue to battle over just about everything. You're going to continue to insult me and I'm going to continue to insult you. You're going to continue to scheme and plot as well as talk down to just about everyone you encounter. Do I like that? No, but I have to accept that's who you are. All I'm asking is that I occasionally get to see the real you. The woman behind the darkness. I know she's there, I've seen her."

Confusion and indecision was warring inside of Regina and it agitated her. Emma could actually see the conflicting emotions swirling in the dark eyes and knew a confused Regina was a dangerous one so she decided to leave while she still had all her human limbs.

"I'm going to leave now," she said quietly, trying not to be hurt by the relief that flashed on Regina's face, "Think about it." Placing a brief but fierce kiss on the startled lips, Emma quickly left the mansion, feeling slightly more optimistic than she probably should.


End file.
